I often find myself scrolling through LinkedIn, admiring the stories of women who seem to have found their rhythm. Researchers leading global projects, promotions, publications, PhDs, and milestones, and their success inspires me. Come to think of myself, and I pause and wonder: am I a good fit for this space?
Beneath the intellectual rigour in academia, there exists another layer of work, far less visible, that is the quite emotional labour that never makes it to LinkedIn. The energy and time that these women pour into their work is unmatched; their superpowers in managing their own self-doubt in isolated spaces, where caring is also about carrying.
The Hidden Work Behind Success
Carrying expectations, being resilient, and rising above circumstances never come by chance; no one is that lucky. Women are caring by nature, but is empathy a form of excellence in the academic environment? Research shows that many women in academia carry a dual burden, meeting academic expectations while managing interpersonal and emotional dimensions of institutional life.
As highlighted by the Harvard Business Publishing Education article, women leaders often describe these demands as “the hidden costs of success”, balancing ambition, care, and systemic bias (Harvard Business Publishing, 2022). In a fast-paced digital world, when you pause to listen and empathise, you risk so much, from being outpaced, being taken advantage of, to coming home to no one.
This invisible work, rooted in care, can quietly drain one’s sense of purpose if not balanced by values and support.
When Self-Doubt is Confidence
The years I spent studying for my honours degree cost me more people, as if I were a company undergoing shrinkflation. The truth is, I was so absorbed in winning that when I looked up, all I could see were faces looking at me like a weirdo or sometimes just nobody there to wait around for me to fix my life.
For many women in academia, constant overextension looks bold and can intimidate many; however, in my case, it was also a symptom of self-doubt. The need to prove ourselves has led us to apologise for just about anything; we apologise for being on leave and for asking for leave.
Ask me why my personal phone has quick links to my work emails, channels, and shortcuts to help me stay connected during family time, church, friend meetups, and even when I’m walking through the mall or waiting for a meal at a restaurant. Don’t get me wrong, emotional labour is not a weakness; it’s the foundation of so much that works well in our institutions.
The only problem is when all this work is treated as the nature of women rather than being recognised as work that deserves respect and reward.
Reclaiming Purpose
We must redefine what success looks like, navigate spaces that embrace our values. Conversations like these echo Sarah Manley’s insights in Lead Yourself to that Next Big Thing: Women in Leadership (Women Thrive Magazine), where she encourages women leaders to cultivate curiosity, confidence, and visibility as part of their leadership growth journey. We work on ourselves twice as much to be taken seriously, to sound confident but not assertive.
Perceiving thriving as doing more was not working for me, so I had to learn to be more at peace with who I already am and to understand that I can do less exceptionally well and still feel as good about myself.
elebrating the little milestones that no one notices, when we stop chasing others’ approval and start honouring our emotional contributions, when we can rest without guilt, and we refuse to shrink ourselves to fit the narrow expectations, that is only when we flourish.
Chasing the next goal after the other is like staying in the field and always running but never expecting to get tired, so I take a pause, I take time to clap for myself and to stare at the stars because they are so beautiful. Do we still take time to look up to the stars in silence?
Belonging is a Strength
To the women in academia who are working extra hard to fit in, who quietly hold it all together, your worth matters. The resilience you carry and the calm you bring into chaotic spaces are not invisible, even if they are unseen. I like to think that thriving isn’t about producing more but being authentic and remembering that what we give already matters, regardless of who sees it or not.
It helps to find your tune, to go at your pace, and it’s okay to take breaks and to feel unproductive and to get left behind in some seasons. I decided a while ago, and that has emancipated my thoughts and grounded me. The decision was to wake up every day and tell my story as it is, to embrace the darkness in me, and never to look away from myself so much that I start to detach from my own reality and punish myself for others’ strengths.
I immediately found a group of women in leadership in a short course I am enrolled in who helped make me understand that I am not alone in all these feelings, and I realised we all belong somewhere; we all fit in somewhere, and where we belong, we find strength without doing much for it.
Name: Pheliwe Xhalisa
Professional Title: Education Developer
Bio: I am Pheliwe Xhalisa, an Education Developer at North-West University and a writer passionate about inner growth, digital innovation, and exploring my place in the world, both as a young and evolving leader and as a woman. I enjoy connecting theory with practice and am driven by opportunities to support transformation, foster academic excellence, and inspire meaningful change.
