After enduring an abusive childhood, I went out into the world with firm resolve that no one would ever mistreat me like that again. Nearly three decades later, I found myself wondering how I, of all people, could have fallen prey to another abusive narcissist.
It made no sense to me. Except that it made perfect sense.
You see, from the moment I met my ex-husband, I was immediately struck by how much he reminded me of my arrogant and aloof stepfather. The robot from the old TV show “Lost in Space” flung its coiled metal arms around and flashed its red lights in my mind, warning, “Danger! Danger!” But I was so desperate for any crumb of attention or affection, and for a romantic partner at all, that I dismissed the opportunity to choose better for myself.
Instead, I chased my (then) boyfriend’s approval. I said and did whatever I needed to in order to earn his love and affection. Becoming his wife was validation of that achievement. It felt like the acceptance I hadn’t had in my childhood. Belonging to my husband’s family, and then having a child of our own, solidified my place and purpose in this world – something I hadn’t known until then.
Unfortunately, none of that changed the unhealthy dynamic of our relationship. It remained as abusive as that which I had with my stepfather, until it worsened.
The shame and regret I carried in my heart for repeating a toxic dynamic that I had avowed not to compelled me to stay. Anyway, I thought I was the problem, just as my mother and stepfather had led me to believe in childhood. I called myself “broken” as if it were an excuse for my emotional distress and consequential chronic illness.
I even resolved myself to being unlovable. For, I was the common denominator in every romantic relationship that hadn’t worked out and in every friendship that ended badly.
It wasn’t until I began my healing journey, after my divorce, that I realized I wasn’t “broken” at all. In fact, my brain was working exactly as it was supposed to, despite being to my detriment.
Our brains are wired for familiarity, not comfort. As such, my brain was seeking the basic human needs to belong, be loved, and be accepted. It was just going about it by recalling and perpetuating the dynamics I had with my neglectful mother and abusive stepfather – people who told me they loved me.
Their actions told me something quite different. Still, at some point, I’d internalized the idea that abuse and mistreatment equated to love and that love had to be earned.
Trauma Recovery Expert Keyleigh Marie wrote an article entitled “Are you good enough for a healthy relationship?” in September 2023, wherein she said that we are “more likely to choose the same dynamic in a healthy relationship as an adult thanks to a psychological phenomenon of repetitive compulsion”, which is based on “wounds which may have occurred from as early as childhood but up to as recent as yesterday”.
In other words, a perfectly wonderful and gentle man could have offered his love to me at any time, and my unhealed wounds of abandonment and rejection would not have recognized his kindness and affections as love.
I’m quite sure that I would have sabotaged any opportunity for a healthy relationship with my very unhealthy and unreasonable reactions to a whole lot of nothing, simply to create the chaos and conflict that my mind recognized as love.
There’s an old saying that goes, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you always got.” Interestingly, when I accepted my current husband’s invitation to take our friendship to a romantic level, I did exactly that – I did what I had always done, which got me the chaos and conflict I always got.
Fortunately, my husband knew of my traumatic past and patiently demonstrated that I could feel safe and loved in a relationship that did not nurture those chaotic dynamics. Knowing he wouldn’t reject or abandon me for the errors of my ways, I also felt safe enough to embrace and accept accountability for the codependent, people-pleasing, anxious attachment tendencies which had kept me stuck in those endless toxic cycles.
I was also able to accept my humanity then, which allowed for mistakes and imperfection. I now see missteps and poor decisions as opportunities to approach similar situations differently in the future – sort of like the “do-overs” we’d allow ourselves on the playground as children, after executing a crooked cartwheel.
That’s the thing about life. And healing. It’s crooked. It won’t always go as we expect or how we want. However, there is power in knowing that there is always a choice. You can always choose better. Or different. Any time. In any moment.
That’s what it means to evolve; and evolving is the key to breaking the cycle of revolving through the same unresolved issues and unhealthy relationships.
So, give yourself the grace of a “do-over” whenever the opportunity arises. Because love, belonging, and acceptance you’re seeking externally is really within you; and always has been.
Name: Dana S. Diaz
Professional Title: Author | Speaker | Podcaster | Host Of Shifting Gears
Bio: Dana S. Diaz is a best-selling & award-winning author of a memoir trilogy based on her traumatic past, and the host of Women Thrive TV’s SHIFTING GEARS.
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