Finding Forgiveness: A Path to Self-Love and Healing
As I was getting ready to take the largest stage as the Keynote Speaker for a local domestic violence shelter in my hometown, I became slightly nervous. Not because I was an inexperienced speaker. I had performed many speeches up until that time. It was because I was going to expose him ~ my Father. Expose him for abusing my mother and all four of his children. I was going to do this on a public stage in front of over five hundred people. Although a gut-check created an uncertainty of whether I wanted to broadcast the truth to my audience, I ignored that message. Instead, I told myself and my biggest supporters that “it was time” to reveal the truth.
I was minutes away from walking up the stairs to the stage. One of my closest friends handed me his phone and said my former husband needed to speak with me. I stepped away slightly from the stage and said, “Hello? I’m about to take the stage?” With a cracked voice, he said, “I am so sorry, your dad is gone.” I couldn’t believe what I heard. Shock and disbelief set in and the next thing I knew was that I was sitting on the carpet to the right of the stage trembling. Consequently, I never took the stage that day.
The morning of my Keynote speech, my mother called and asked my then husband to drive to my childhood home to check on my dad because he was not answering his phone. She was visiting my sister after another abusive episode with my dad. I was angry that morning. My dad had ruined many events in our lives. I remember saying, “He’s probably drunk on the back patio like he always is this time of day”. Despite my anger, my former husband went to check on my father. As I walked to the venue of the event alone, I thought, “Can’t he just die?” I had this thought many times in my lifetime. Little did I know that day would be the last time I would have that thought. As a result of facing the reality of his death, I felt lost. Those statements haunted me for years. I obsessed over thoughts in my head; “ Did he hear what I thought and said?”, “Could he forgive me?” “Did I cause him to die with my thoughts?”
My dad’s sudden passing brought up so many emotions from the past. And they surfaced in many different ways. Anger, resentment, unworthiness, negative thoughts, shame, guilt, overdrinking, and unhealthy eating habits were just to name a few. One or a combination of these emotions and acts arrived in my life daily depending on the trigger. I lived in constant regret, and I was just plain unhappy.
Fast forward thirteen years from my father’s passing. After re-discovering myself, I have finally been able to heal from the past trauma I endured. I was able to forgive my father for all his transgressions and for all those who have hurt me in the past. Upon finding forgiveness, I also found self-love.
Steps to Find Forgiveness and Cultivate Self-Love
There were a few steps I took to find forgiveness for my abusive father and ultimately finding self-love. Here are a few insights to the steps I took
First: Self-Care is the Key!
Ever listened to the announcement when flying in an airplane? Put the air mask on yourself before placing it on children or helping family members. This concept is one of the main keys to finding self-love. When we nourish our soul, we are able to love ourselves. Do something each day that brings you joy. It could be getting your nails done, taking an “uninterrupted” bath, journaling, meditation, or exercising. Finding something each day that brings a smile to your face and warms your heart is the key to cultivating self-love.
Second: Set Boundaries and Just Say “No”
With a service-oriented personality and a goal of helping people daily, it is hard for me to say “no” when I am asked for help. When we stretch ourselves thin or say “yes” to obligations that drain us, we then have nothing left to give and become resentful, bitter, and frustrated. One of my favorite lessons was from my therapist. If you had two glasses of water and you pour all the water into an empty glass, then you have nothing else to give. Saying “no” allows us keep some of our energy for ourselves to practice self-care.
Third: Find you Inner Child
Throughout my healing journey, I have learned to connect with my inner child. In my endeavors to connect to my inner child, I have learned to have less judgment, greater compassion, and exponential love for myself. Although as a young child I did not have love and affection due to my father’s abuse, I have been able to re-frame the past by changing the way that I speak to myself. I have learned not to beat myself up over mistakes and imperfections, and I have been able to love myself more than I ever thought possible.
Finding forgiveness is a predecessor to self-love. Embrace the possibilities of how you can create a new way of life by implementing the steps above. You won’t regret how your life can change by putting yourself first and finding self-love you truly deserve.
About the Author
Name: Natalie Baird-King
Professional Title: Forgiveness Expert
Bio: Natalie Baird-King is a forgiveness expert and the acclaimed author of Forgiving Unforgivable ~ The Four Essential Secrets to Overcome Trauma, Stand Empowered, and Step into Purpose. She is a TEDx speaker, forgiveness culture enthusiast, advocate and a board-certified family law attorney and mediator. Natalie has been featured on podcasts, ABC, CBS, NBC, and other acclaimed news outlets.
Website: www.forgivingunforgivable.com
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