Taking Off the People-Pleasing Cloak to Rise As Women

Every day, since she was very young, she dressed in the same outfit. As she grew, the outfit grew with her. It was comfortable, familiar, she knew how to wear it and it pleased everyone around her. Seeing others delight, encouraged her to wear it more and more. Despite it occasionally causing her distress, pain, and upset, she continued to wear it for the benefit of others. It was a powerful outfit.  

It prevented her from seeking her own goals and desires and still, it adorned her every single day. Sometimes, on very rare occasions, if she was feeling brave, she would try on another outfit, only to be met with resentment and frustration by others and so she would resort back to what others liked. It was a powerful cloak. This cloak is known as the people-pleasing cloak. It is quite popular in society and is traditionally more often found among the women of the world. 

I wore that people-pleasing cloak daily for many, many years. I wore it so well that I honestly thought I could never take it off. It was who I was, it was part of me, or so I thought. I had been a people pleaser for as long as I could remember, perhaps from about 5 or 6 years old.  It felt so natural to me.  I did not know how else to be.  

Then in 2018, when I was having therapy to rid myself of people-pleasing I was challenged to start saying no to other people’s requests. That first time saying no, was unbelievably uncomfortable. My stomach churned, I was wringing my hands, my heart was racing, and my throat was dry. I took a deep breath, uttered the word no, and waited for the response. I honestly don’t think that the word no was even in my vocabulary.  Of course, in a typical people-pleasing style, I had been overthinking their reaction. In case you’re wondering, when I said no that first time, their response was ‘Oh, ok, no worries.’

As a lifelong people-pleaser, it was hard for me to take off that cloak and if I am honest, I find myself occasionally, inadvertently wearing it again. However, I have developed my awareness and I now know when I have slipped back into it and immediately take it off and remind myself that it no longer fits the woman I am today.

When was the last time you told someone ‘No, I can’t do that’, or ‘I have a different idea?’ I understand if it feels risky. I dodged it because doing so would leave me feeling vulnerable, concerned that I would be seen as being difficult and I had a strong desire to be liked, to fit in, and to belong. 

It was only a few years ago I discovered that adopting the disease to please meant that I was sacrificing myself, my goals, my dreams, and my plans. It was self-sabotage at its finest. Deep down I guess I knew all along because I was becoming increasingly frustrated at the demands placed on me and yet it was a clue that I ignored for so long. Are you doing the same? Are you thinking too much about others and their needs and feelings and much less about yourself? Of course, we do need to think of others, this isn’t about being completely selfish. Other people are important but so are you. We need to stop suppressing our own wants, needs, and desires for the benefit of others. We all have needs.

Are you ready to step out of the confines of people-pleasing? Are you ready to say goodbye to the good girl? Are you ready to rise as an empowered woman? Are you ready to use your voice and regain your power?

Ladies, grab your journal and write these questions down and let your answers flow.

Questions to Ask Yourself to Stop the People-pleasing Personality:

• If you were not afraid of what others will think, say, or do, what would you do?

• What would this mean to you?

• How can you balance your needs and the needs of others?

• What stops you from asserting yourself?

• How will you comfort yourself if others dislike what you say/do?

• How will your relationships change with yourself and others as you begin this new way of being?

• How will you feel when you reclaim your power?

• What can you commit to today to move you forward to rising as the empowered warrior goddess that you are?

People-pleasing is so over. It is time for you to unleash those wildest dreams, honor your true self, tell your truth, and lead the way. No longer shall you keep yourself small for the sake of others. No longer shall you dim your light. It is time to ignite those embers into a blaze of glory! Now is your time to shine your light. You are strong! You are fierce! You are courageous! You trust your innate power and wisdom and you are rising and rising.

About the Author

Name: Wendy Concannon

Professional Title: Life Coach

Bio: From the North East of England, Wendy has had a lifelong passion for holistic well-being. With a career covering mental health, fitness and nutrition, pharmacy, and life coaching, she is also an NLP Practitioner, to further deepen her skills to help women fully step into their power. 

Website: empoweredwomencoaching.co.uk

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