How Releasing Control Can Help Women Reclaim Their Voice And Live Forward
For most of my life, I believed strength meant control. If I worked hard enough, prepared enough and stayed one step ahead, I could keep life from surprising me. That belief helped me build a successful career over nearly four decades in banking and fintech. What I did not understand was where that need for control came from.
As a child, I survived sibling sexual trauma and abuse (SSTA) by my two oldest brothers from ages 7 to 12. I learned to compartmentalize, perform and keep going while carrying a secret I believed could destroy my family – and frankly me as well – if I ever told. Overachievement and perfectionism became my armor. Sometimes the behaviors that helped us survive one chapter can limit us in the next.
When Success Becomes Armor
I spent decades becoming exceptionally good at appearing fine. I could lead meetings, negotiate complex deals, raise a family and show up for everyone around me. From the outside, that looked like strength. Inside, I carried fear, shame and the belief that if I lost control, everything might fall apart.
Many women do this without a history of trauma. We hold on to perfectionism because it earned approval, avoid vulnerability because competence is rewarded, and say yes because being needed feels safer than disappointing someone. There is a difference between being in control and being controlled by your need for control.
The Moment I Could No Longer Manage the Story
In 2021, after more than fifty years of silence, I spoke publicly about the abuse I survived. I believed telling the truth would bring closure and perhaps the apology I thought I needed to heal. Instead, one of my brothers who abused me sued me for defamation.
I had a choice: retreat and allow fear to put me back in the box I had lived in for decades, or stand in my truth without knowing the outcome. I chose to fight. I countersued. After a two-and-a-half-year legal battle, I took my case before a jury and won.
The victory mattered enormously, but it taught me something greater: freedom would not come from controlling the ending. It would come from releasing the belief that an ending could erase everything that came before it.
Letting Go Is Not Giving Up
Women are often told to “let go” as if it means lowering our standards or caring less. I see it differently. Letting go can be one of the most powerful acts of leadership we practice.
It can mean releasing the need to be perfect before we speak, the belief that asking for help makes us less capable, the shame that never belonged to us, or the need for everyone to approve before we trust ourselves.
Authenticity Is a Leadership Strength
When I began speaking publicly, I approached it as I had business: prepare for every possibility. My laptop was surrounded by sticky notes until I realized: this was my story.
The less I tried to deliver it perfectly, the more people connected. Leaders do not need to perform perfection. They need to be credible, self-aware and human. Authenticity means no longer spending energy pretending to be someone you are not.
From Personal Voice to Collective Change
Finding my voice forced me to look beyond my own experience. I had the resources and support to defend myself when my abuser sued me. Many survivors do not. What happens to the person who cannot afford to fight back?
Today, I advocate for survivors and legal reforms that make it safer to tell the truth. I am working with attorney and advocate Victoria Burke to help advance the Speak Your Truth Act, aimed at protecting survivors from retaliatory defamation lawsuits used to intimidate or financially devastate them for speaking about their abuse.
I also speak openly about sibling sexual trauma and abuse (SSTA) because too many survivors believe their experience is too shameful to name. I once believed I was the only one. Meeting other survivors taught me the power of three simple words: You are not alone.
What I Want Women to Know
Now in my 60s, I am still a fintech executive. I am also a bestselling author, speaker and advocate. The parts of myself I once worked hardest to hide now allow me to connect most meaningfully with others.
So I ask women: what are you still carrying because it once helped you survive, succeed or belong? Perfectionism? The need for approval? Anger? Shame? An old definition of success? The belief that you must always be the strong one? Living forward means refusing to let the past keep making decisions about your future.
We cannot control everything that happens to us. But we can reclaim authorship of what happens next.
– We can speak.
– We can choose.
– We can change direction.
Sometimes the greatest power comes not from holding on tighter, but from having the courage to let go. To open whatever box we are carrying. To let go, break free and live forward.
Name: Darlene Lekowski
Professional Title: Survivor. Speaker. Bestselling Author.
Bio: Darlene Lekowski is a speaker, bestselling author, survivor, and business leader who spent nearly 50 years hiding a childhood secret – until she spoke her truth and was sued by her abuser for doing so. She fought back and won. Today, Darlene inspires others to reclaim their voice, agency, and courage to Live Forward.
Social Media Handles:
