Negotiation Skills for Clear Communication and Better Decisions
He wants to live in the mountains, she close to the ocean.
She wants a salary rise, her boss declines.
She wants a baby, he choses a vasectomy
She wants…
Some scenarios are less complex, others are bigger life decisions with long-term consequences. Commonly we refer to negotiating in terms of business deals.
What would be your usual way to overcome differences?
Would you want to make it fair?
Let’s live half a year at the ocean, the rest of the year in the mountains?
“Let’s split the bill” sounds so fair, doesn’t it?
Fair is a concept, a compromise in which both lose.
Understanding the Impact of Negotiation in Everyday Life
Thanks to my job I get to speak to many women, with different cultural backgrounds, standards and jobs. One thing I repeatedly hear is: I need to be alone, to be myself.
I wonder: why are you not being yourself while around your loved ones?
What I discover is that even if you are around your closest people, most of the time you live in compromises, in self-made prisons. That is great news, because if it is self-made, you can also undo what you created.
Something completely different from this is possible right now!
It seems that many women made concessions earlier on in their relationship to their parents, their partners, their boss. Now they live with the excruciating consequences.
In the example of whether to live in the mountains or at the coast, it would look like: half a year I am happy, the other six months – I endure. A half-amazing life.
Women, we are bigger than that!
The Role of Vulnerability in Negotiation Skills
So, what to do, you might wonder.
Be vulnerable.
I propose to feel your feelings instead. You could feel sad that he doesn’t join you for a walk this time, you could feel glad, because you can listen to your favourite playlist.
You could feel angry that you are not paid a higher salary, and hire a coach to upgrade your negotiation skills.
Life also offers you what I call bigger life questions:
Collaboration on a long-term project with your team, building a house or moving in together, settling down or traveling the world?
As I write in Her Conscious Anger: Women know!
Women know what they want. So, why would they not express exactly that? It is on the tip of your tongue and you still don’t say it?
One client shared with me the following, telling image: I feel scared to ask, because I could receive a No. It is like receiving a present, unwrapping it and being disappointed about its content. A part of me doesn’t want to know, so I stay in the Unknown. However, I also feel scared of too many uncertainties in my life.
I feel fear to unwrap the present!
Overcoming Fear and the Power of Asking in Negotiation
I hear you.
Fear number one might be:
I lack something.
If you say what you want, you simultaneously admit: I don’t have it. Not having something in modern culture is “bad”. Modern culture off-course benefits from this concept. Buy more, and we give you the illusion it would make you happy. Except it doesn’t.
Fear number two might be:
I feel scared that I might get rejected.
In my coaching sessions, I hear similar fears from men and women and still couples won’t be vulnerable or negotiate with each other.
What if we find out after years of living next to each other, that he actually hates his job and all he wants is to spend more time with you?
Precious hours flow down the river of time, time you never get back!
What if: Do you want children, would be a first date question?
Questions are gold. Ask them!
I notice people seem to have a hard time to answer yes or no questions with a simple yes or no. It takes practice and I remember my own journey of Rage Work and me empowering other women to speak their Yes and Nos and to ask for their Yes and No.
The Liberation of No Deal in Negotiation Skills
No deal is better than a bad deal.
The liberation of no deal.
I encourage my clients to aim for the no.
No deal is good news, because it brings clarity and with this comes liberation. The stalemate is unfreezing, I will take the next action. No mixed signals, instead: alignment.
No deal is actually very peaceful.
Many times a yes or a smile is socially sugarcoated, while your body silently screams at you: “Nooooo…! Leave me alone.”
“Yes”, you say instead, “I’ll join you.”
Some push themselves through, others are pros in finding good excuses.
Shared experiences are nice, a shared reality though is deeply nourishing and connects you beyond social expectations.
How to negotiate:
Both agree that you may express your wants, needs, necessities, dreams, desires. Choose one topic at a time.
If you don’t know what you want yet, this is the time to find your own clarity!
When both have their own clarity, you speak it, out loud, in front of your practice partner. It might take some courage.
Let your partner summarize what he or she heard you saying.
Switch roles.
Oftentimes, this leads to a consent, because it may be for the first time in your life, that you could express your deepest desire. You feel heard and seen.
Other times, it goes one layer deeper, where your wants want to be heard and accepted. Many of you, men and women, are longing for that, including myself.
About the Author
Name: Alice Belz
Bio: Alice supports women to take a stand for their feminine wisdom. Alice is an aliveness igniter. Her coaching serves women to transform their passions and projects into what they truly desire. With her experience in the corporate world, combined with feelings work, she specializes in negotiating skills for relationships.
