My Life Lessons from a Horse: BOUNDARIES
My son was three weeks old when my mom decided to land on us with a month-long visit. I had not seen her for two years, and at first, welcomed the help. We had recently moved into an old fixer-upper with very little charm. The living room was still under renovation and partially covered with a tarp. She marched across the dusty floor in her kitten heels, recoiled at the termite-riddled floor and demanded to know why there were no flowerpots in the windows. From that point on, things got worse.
The Struggle with Self-Doubt
She was in our home only two hours when she grabbed the cleaning supplies and went head-to-head with the yellow stained bathtub, scrubbing years of grime away. My baby barely finished nursing at my breast before she grabbed him, put him over her shoulder and burped him. She bitched incessantly about my husband to me behind his back, driving a wedge between him and I. She was a force you couldn’t negotiate with, an avalanche of superiority.
My love for my mom, for my husband and for my new baby boy was in conflict. I was thrown back to the little girl who just wanted to please her mom. Self-doubt swallowed me. To win her approval, I worked tirelessly to placate and smooth over arguments though in private, I swam in a pool of anger and resentment. Why did she criticize everything I did as a wife and new mother? It took me three decades to find the answer.
Discovering the Need for Boundaries
At the time, I had no weapons to fight her. The word ‘no’ was not in my vocabulary. Pushing back made me feel guilty. I lost my voice in my desire to be the perfect new mom and get my mom’s approval. I had zero boundaries. How could I put boundaries in place with my mom when she had never shown me how? It was two horses that showed me a different way.
Learning from the Horses
Before meeting the two horses we would be working with, the coach prepared me for the encounter. She explained that horses are herd animals that must hone and maintain clear boundaries in order to survive. Horses learn to respect each other’s space from their mother. It’s called imprinting and starts right after birth.
I had always loved horses and was eager to become an equine assisted coach. As part of the training, I had to explore my own emotional wellbeing. The coach encouraged me to pay close attention to the sensations in my body as I interacted with the horses. She told me to ditch all expectations and be open to whatever emotions the horses stirred in me. She warned me you can’t lie to a horse.
An Encounter with Simon and Petey
I heard the loud neighing before I saw them. My body tensed with apprehension. I didn’t know what to expect. To calm myself, I tried focusing on the cool breeze blowing through the magnolia trees and the earthy smell of hay around me. But all I could feel were the knots in my stomach, at the prospect of being exposed by a horse.
As soon as the two horses, Simon and Petey, entered the round pen, where I waited, my anxiety disappeared, and curiosity took over. By instinct I held out my arm to say hello. Simon, tall and grey, wandered over and sniffed my hand. We stood close together for several minutes. My hands were on his neck, and I gently stroked his head. His warm muzzle was like soft velvet. The coach asked me how I felt in that moment. I felt connected, accepted, and appreciated. I lost myself in the moment and was thankful that the horse stayed with me.
Recognizing Invasion of Space
I didn’t notice the other horse, Petey, dark brown with a full black mane, striding towards us. He pushed in between us, knocking me sideways with his large head. A little shaken, I regained my footing and dusted myself down. The coach, ever watchful, repeated her question, asking how I felt. I told her Petey was rude. It felt invasive.
The coach had an interesting observation. She noticed that while I connected in bliss with Simon, I failed to see the other horse coming towards us. Horses are keenly attuned to our energy, and they respond differently to passive, timid behavior compared to assertive, confident behavior. Petey didn’t pick up on my boundaries because I didn’t communicate any. So, he just kept coming.
The Lesson on Boundaries
The coach said that reflected my poor boundaries. It was a real ‘aha’ moment for me. It became clear to me in that moment that if I didn’t set boundaries, I would get ‘knocked’ over. Lesson learned. Thanks to a ‘rude’ horse and a great coach. These two horses taught me everything about boundaries in one afternoon.
Today, I know boundaries are key to relationships. Having clear boundaries enables me to communicate my needs and get them met. Clear boundaries means I know what behavior I will and won’t accept. I can’t wait for others to set my boundaries; I must set them to keep me safe. My boundaries are my responsibility. If I’d had better boundaries, I would have sent my mother packing after three nights instead of thirty.
About the Author
Name: Pia Ault
Bio: Pia is a highly skilled Executive Coach with a passion for guiding women who desire a stronger confidence, presence, and identity. As an emotions and empathy expert, Pia helps individuals identify and expand their emotional vocabulary, expressing themselves, and living with their emotions in a healthier way.
Connect with Pia: pia.ault@gmail.com
Website: caballusconsulting.com
