Loneliness Healing Through Personal Struggles
Growing up in Southern California in the 1970s as the youngest of three girls in a seemingly normal family, I often felt isolated and disconnected. My mother would tell me I was beautiful, yet when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was a lonely, empty girl. I struggled to connect with anyone around me.
Secrets were woven into the fabric of our family life, creating a ‘dark side’ that we all learned to navigate. My parents kept things hidden—not just from me, but from each other and my sisters. My father was unfaithful, my mother overspent, and my oldest sister faced legal troubles. It became clear to me that our family was far from normal.
These secrets deepened my loneliness. I turned to drugs and began experimenting with relationships, often finding myself in trouble. My behavior escalated to the point where I was expelled from school, forcing my parents to enroll me in a private institution. My father despised his job in the textile industry, while my mother ran a clothing store in Beverly Hills, prioritizing appearances over reality. Arguments about money and my sister’s issues often filled our home, with me at the center of their concerns.
At 17, my life took a devastating turn when I experienced a traumatic event. My parents chose to ignore it, closing the door to my room and making me share a bed with my sister. The overwhelming loneliness I felt intensified, and I found myself unable to confide in anyone. The secrets that had plagued our family now felt so overwhelming.
As my parents grew weary of my rebellious behavior, my mother offered me misguided advice, suggesting I marry someone wealthy instead of focusing on my education.
This perspective only deepened my sense of isolation.
The First Step Towards Loneliness Healing
After some time, I returned to school, but the administration insisted I seek help before continuing. My parents finally arranged for therapy, which became my first step toward healing. Slowly, I began to emerge from the depths of my loneliness.
Fast forward twenty years: I married for the third time! This time to a man with financial stability, and welcomed a beautiful daughter named Leah. I returned to school, but the fear and loneliness still haunted me. I would regularly drive thirty miles to class, only to turn back out of anxiety. I would see Leah watching TV and feel the weight of my inability to explain my absence…so I drove back.
In 2005, I earned my master’s certification in spiritual psychology, became a life coach, and opened a family counseling business. I was living the ideal life, but then I discovered my husband’s infidelity, including affairs with some of my clients. The secrets returned, amplifying my anxiety and depression, and once again, I felt utterly alone.
By 2006, my marriage ended, and my loneliness became more pronounced. I struggled to connect with friends and felt isolated at social gatherings. I knew I had to take action.
Drawing from my life experiences, I realized that changing my perspective could lead to transformation. I developed a vision and specific action steps to find peace and address my loneliness. Here are a few steps that I believe can help others as well:
Understanding Loneliness
I learned that loneliness is a universal emotion that can lead to isolation. It often stems from the negative voices in our heads you know ‘the committee’. I discovered that allowing myself to cry and be vulnerable was essential to confronting my loneliness. Without acceptance and vulnerability, true transformation is impossible.
Action Steps to Combat Loneliness
- Find a Community: Seek out a supportive community where you can feel safe and connected. I found that social media platforms like Facebook can be great for discovering support groups. I even started my own group in Los Angeles called the Moms Mixer, a safe space for mothers to discuss the challenges of parenting and partnership.
- Share Your Burdens: Be willing to open up about your struggles and let go of the secrets you’ve been holding onto. Sharing your experiences can lead to vulnerability and authenticity, allowing you to connect with others. As Swiss author Paul Tournier said, “You are only as sick as your secrets.” By sharing, I found that my loneliness began to dissipate.
- Create a Joy List: Before bed, take five minutes to write down things that make you smile—memories, songs, people, or activities. Keep this list by your bedside and, each morning, circle three items and act on one. This practice helps shift your mindset from negative to positive.
- Rebuild Your Identity: After my divorce, I realized I needed to rediscover myself. I created a website and a Facebook page to share my journey and connect with others. I started writing a book titled *Divorce Doesn’t Have to End in War…But I Do Have Guns!*…this helped me reclaim my sense of self. I started to engage in conversations with anybody without fear of judgment.
So just because I started out feeling lonely doesn’t mean I have to end up that way. I’ve learned to confront my secrets and embrace connection. By following these guidelines, you too can find freedom from loneliness and share your experiences in a safe environment.
My goal is help the women of Thrive Magazine and touch their hearts, one at a time. I hope that by sharing my journey, I can inspire you to confront your loneliness and find your path to healing.
About the Author
Professional Title: Family Trauma Consultant
Bio: I have helped hundreds of moms negotiate the process of divorce and even reunite with their partner, because I have walked in their shoes. My early preparation for this was working with underprivileged, abandoned kids (usually from broken homes, jailed parents, and gangs) in Los Angeles.
