There’s a kind of silence that follows failure. A heavy, suffocating quiet that settles in after the dust has cleared, leaving you standing in the wreckage of something you thought would work. That awful silence makes you question everything.
Everything. Every little detail of your actions. It makes you question your value and skills. Whether you are really cut out to be a leader. After all, if you can’t get your own stuff right, how can you lead others?
That kind of silence I know well. It’s been a constant companion on my leadership journey.
I’ve felt the heartache of royally stuffing things up. Decisions that I laboured over to backfire on me. Of heading down paths I thought were so right, only to realise just how wrong I was. Decisions that had serious consequences. Decisions that left egg on my face. Decisions that had me lying awake staring at the ceiling as my mind picked at the embarrassment and guilt.
There’s many times I’ve felt like a fraud. When it has seemed like such an effort to keep it all together. But every time this happens, I come out stronger.
Leadership can be a stark and lonely place. You’re it. The buck stops with you. There’s no one telling you your decisions are wrong and you’ll end up disappointing people. There’s no one who tells you that you’re acting like a fool or you’ve overreacted. As a leader, there’s no back up. But failure is an important element of the leadership journey.
I’m a smart woman; I know the buck stops with me and with great power comes great responsibility. I signed up for good times and bad. But why don’t these leadership books and posts about leadership talk more about the dark, messy parts of leadership? Instead, it’s all the 5 books great leaders read or the 5 things leaders do every day or ‘look at me, I won an award’.
Leadership can feel like you’re carrying a mountain on your back, like The Mountain from Game of Thrones is putting all his weight on top of you, and you’re stuck with no way out.
Failing in front of people who believe in you hits like that. It’s public and the spotlight is on you. If you mess up when no one’s around, it’s easier to shake it off and hide. Nothing to see here. It’s emotional intelligence that will help get you through.
I remember a time when I had to make a tough staffing decision. I knew it wasn’t going to be popular. But I knew it was necessary. I went back and forth, agonising over it, picking at it, weighing the pros and cons, worrying at it like an old sore. I finally convinced myself I was doing the right thing. Oh my goodness, the fallout was worse than I could have imagined. I totally underestimated how much it would affect the team. Seeing the disappointment in their eyes was a punch to the gut taking me back to when I was a kid and Mum would say, ‘I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.’ That was always worse.
The worst part was I couldn’t go hide in my room and lick my wounds. I had to keep showing up. There was no time to wallow or undo what had been done. There was no rewind button. I had to sit in that discomfort, own my mistake, and figure out how to move forward without losing their trust completely. I worked it out but boy, oh, boy, there were days I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me.
Some days, I don’t know what I am doing. I’ve no freaking idea. I show up and wing it, hoping no one sees through my facade of ‘I’ve got it all together’ face.
There will be days when you wake up and feel completely unqualified to be doing this leadership thing. A job seems like a better option. Some days, you’ll second-guess every decision you make, running through a mental checklist of: What if I’m wrong again? What if this backfires? What if this is the moment everything falls apart? What if? What if? What if? Argh!
But, I keep going. That’s what leaders do. Not because I’m fearless, not because I’ve figured it all out, but because I don’t let the fear stop me. I thought leadership was about having all the answers. Now, I know it’s about being willing to say, “I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out.”
I’m learning to sit with all the things that I don’t think are perfect about me. Own my failures instead of hiding them. Let my team and others see the human behind the title. In doing this, the most surprising thing happened – my honesty strengthened my leadership, not weakened it.
When I admitted to my team that I’d made the wrong call on that staffing decision, I was ready for a tsunami of resentment to crash over me. Instead, I was met with something I didn’t expect—respect. My team doesn’t expect me to be perfect. They need me to be accountable, to see when I make mistakes, I don’t sweep them under the rug. I acknowledge them. I learn from them. I do better.
We’ve been fed this idea that strong leaders are unshakable, that they always have control. Real strength is knowing when to seek help. It’s knowing when to admit you’re struggling. It’s about getting used to feeling uncomfortable and knowing making a mistake is not the end of the world. The only thing that truly defines your qualities as a leader is your ability to not let mistakes, failures and doubt define you and have the courage to keep moving forward.
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About the Author
Name: Kerry Bolton
Professional Title: Entrepreneur and strategist. Founder of Caring Lotus.
Bio: Kerry Bolton is an experienced entrepreneur and strategist, founder of Caring Lotus, a NDIS disability support service built on connection, leadership, and respect for individuals. With expertise in operational systems, service delivery, and ethical leadership, Kerry created Caring Lotus to challenge an industry that often treated people like numbers.
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