Egypt is a multipassionate creative, poet, holistic MD and naturopathic doctor. She believes in female empowerment, sacred self-care, authenticity, and mental wellbeing. She is a solo mom, thriving at living an intentional and conscious life. Her mission is to empower people to live a healthy, spiritually connected, and balanced life. Website: http://manifestingalchemy.com/

How Decentering Men is Positively Changing My Life

How Decentering Men is Positively Changing My Life

I feel the buzz of excitement from within, in anticipation of the evening ahead. I mean this date just has to be good after all. I shopped for a new dress, purchased a stash of alluring makeup, and tried out a new makeup technique. I actually plucked my eyebrows (I hate this). And that perfume with the floral undertones is sure to knock him off his feet. He’s going to take one look at me and know he has to have me in his life. 

Okay, so I’m totally invested in this date with Mr. Cutelooking. I mean I’ve put in all this effort – it’s gotta prove to him I’m a girl willing to put in the same amount of effort in our future relationship. I even went the extra mile to research an ideal meeting place. A fancy-ish ethnic restaurant downtown. I’d checked out the menu to ensure I could actually eat something. Being gluten-free and vegan doesn’t make dining at restaurants an easy feat. The food choices can be a nightmare, but this guy seems worth it.

And so the cycle goes. It’s been repeated several times over by countless women in the modern dating world. As women, we are taught by society, in overt and covert ways, that the emotional labor of making a relationship work rests on us. The script has flipped in modern dating. It’s no longer men chasing us because women are all too busy chasing them. Many women are making men the entire focus of their lives whilst decentering themselves.

I call BS to this modern trope. I say, instead, let women save their energy and sanity and recenter themselves as the main character of their lives.

Decentering men is a notion I’ve seriously adopted recently and, believe me, it’s a game changer. I’m choosing to focus on my needs, my mental well-being, and my values foremost in life. Here are some ways it’s changing me.

I’m okay with not being the good girl

Being a good girl is all manner of exhausting. Trying to constantly please a man and cater to his every need is not what women are made for. Our lives are meant for more than boosting the often fragile egos of men. Women have a richness of emotions and powerful ideas that need to be asserted and nurtured. All the energy we put into being Miss Nice Girl to Mr. Jerk is wasted time and effort.

I don’t want to be the nice girl anymore. I just want to be more of me. Men will just have to deal with it. Take it or leave it. I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to clip the edges of my character to shape myself into a version that is acceptable to any man. That’s simply nonsense and inauthentic.

Men are not that big a deal anymore

Okay, I know there are some genuinely great guys out there, with a high emotional intelligence and depth of thought and communication. But the majority of them are not that great. Nope, most men – at least the ones I’ve met – absolutely suck at emotional intelligence and understanding the delicate needs of a well-rounded, smart woman. 

I’ve found most men to be selfish, self-centered, and objectifying of women. Decentering men in my life forced me to step back and really see men for what they are. I realize they are just human beings, with often inflated egos. I don’t need to be huffing and puffing over them so much. They’re simply not that big a deal.

I have more time to focus on my goals

I previously put so much energy into relationships and men. I was always thinking about guys, dressing up for them, worrying about them, or going on dates with them. I was bitching about them to girlfriends, angry at them, or secretly coveting the male gaze. Now all of that mental energy gets redirected into me. My dreams, my goals, and my own badassery. 

I truly believe women wouldn’t focus so much on men if they had meaningful goals to work towards. Life is a rich tapestry of friendship, career, family, interest, cultural and artistic pursuits. Why hone in on just one aspect? I now have so much headspace and time to focus on career advancement and creative goals that matter to me. recentering on me has released an abundance of energy to make things happen in my life.

I no longer seek male validation

Okay, I won’t say I’ve mastered this 100% percent, but I’m definitely heading in the right direction. Since I let go of focusing so much on men, I care less about what they think of me. Whether they fancy me, think I look pretty or think I’m smart enough, is really none of my business. We’re cultured as women to give a damn about the opinions of men. 

It’s easy to lose ourselves in a patriarchal system founded on male domination and female subjugation. Male validation is just a baseless opinion of what men think of you. What is so special about that? Let’s face it, most men aren’t exactly Nobel prize winners or even that smart. So who cares what they think of us? What we think of ourselves is way more important.

I value friendship a lot more

I recently read that being romantically coupled can alienate us from developing our friendships outside the relationship. Because it’s been ingrained in women that their boyfriends or husbands should be the most important person to them. We often don’t nurture our friendships as much once we are coupled up. It’s a shame. For me, my friendships have been a profound source of joy, comfort, and connection. 

Why would I want to lose that? Not putting men as the focus of my existence gives me the clarity to see my meaningful friendships for what they are. I realize how emotionally nurturing my friends and community outside a relationship are. Why would I ever want to let go of that? For a dude? Hell no. Friendships are a well of joy that shouldn’t be allowed to run dry because we are with a man. That’s plain nonsensical, as often times we can rely more on our true friends to stick it out in rough times with us, than on a man.

I value myself more

The modern dating and marriage landscape can be a shitshow. There is so much pressure on women to lose themselves trying to be the ideal partner. It’s easy to lose one’s sense of self trying to be everything for a man. His mother, therapist, lover, health coach, and career adviser. As women, we try to be everything to support a man in our lives. Everything other than our true selves, anyway. Decentering men reshifts the focus onto our needs and inclinations. This increases our sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

I now value my time, energy, and peace of mind WAY more than any man. I’m cultivating an intimate relationship of self-love and self-care. It’s refreshing and empowering to know that I alone can be my ultimate source of love and care.

There are many reasons to decenter men in our lives and focus more on ourselves. Life can provide so many avenues of meaning and love that we don’t have to get it all from a romantic relationship. We can develop relationships with ourselves, friends, and communities. Let’s reclaim our agency as women. We are beautiful and capable beings who can make great things happen. If only we become more intentional with our lives and put us back into the driving seat of our journey.


About the Author

Author - Dr. Egypt Iredia

Name: Dr. Egypt Iredia

Professional Title: Women’s empowerment coach, Poet, Multi-passionate creative, Holistic MD, and Naturopathic Doctor

Professional Bio: Egypt is a multi-passionate creative, poet, holistic MD, and naturopathic doctor. She believes in female empowerment, sacred self-care, authenticity, and mental wellbeing. She is a solo mom, thriving at living an intentional and conscious life. Her mission is to empower people to live a healthy, spiritually connected, and balanced life.

Website: manifestingalchemy.com

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Egypt is a multipassionate creative, poet, holistic MD and naturopathic doctor. She believes in female empowerment, sacred self-care, authenticity, and mental wellbeing. She is a solo mom, thriving at living an intentional and conscious life. Her mission is to empower people to live a healthy, spiritually connected, and balanced life. Website: http://manifestingalchemy.com/

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