Women supporting women. We hear that phrase so frequently in society, yet in reality, it often feels like we’re pitted against each other. That comparison culture can be one of the most toxic traps we fall into as women.
Every time I log onto Instagram, I’m bombarded with reminders of all the things I’m not doing, should be doing, or could be doing better. So many posts disguise put-downs as motivational messages. Striving to be the “best version” of myself ends up feeling futile when the benchmark keeps shifting.
Why does comparison culture give me “the ick” as the kids say these days? It’s simple – no matter what you’re doing, what career you have, what relationship you’re in, what house you live in, or what car you drive, comparison does one of two things. It either makes you feel inferior or superior to other women. Neither of those should appeal to the modern-day woman looking to lift others up.
As a mother of seven, soon to be eight children, I vividly remember sitting in a mom’s group with my first baby, feeling somewhat confident in my new role as a mother. That is, until someone asked if my daughter was sleeping through the night yet. I casually answered, “No, she’s up every hour.” The smug response? “Oh really, my son has slept through from 6 weeks.”
In an instant, I felt utterly inferior, like I was failing at this whole motherhood thing. The doubts and questions came crashing in. The comparison felt like an instant pressure dumped on my shoulders.
That’s just one example, but society and social media (quite literally driven by comparison culture) seem to thrive on pitting women against each other. We get drawn into pointless debates over whose life is more demanding – the working mom or the stay-at-home mom. The homeschooling moms depict these idyllic slow mornings with their kids, making those of us who send our children to mainstream schools feel like we are throwing them into the lion’s den.
Social media feeds off of our incessant insecurities. You follow accounts that inspire you, maybe it’s larger family accounts in my case, only to end up feeling let down when your life doesn’t perfectly mirror what you see portrayed online. So you unfollow. But then the cycle repeats with new accounts, new comparisons.
It’s an unhealthy, self-sabotaging cycle. But the answer can’t just be throwing our hands up in despondency, can it? Very early in my motherhood journey, I made the conscious decision to step away from comparison culture and just embrace my life for what it is. Here’s how I’ve done it:
Escaping the Trap of Comparison Culture
1. I recognize that people’s portrayals on social media are carefully curated and not telling the full story.
You might see someone’s career highlights but not the struggles to get there or the ways it doesn’t live up to the glossy image.
2. I remind myself constantly that I am enough.
As a mother, this is integral to how I navigate my life. If I make decisions that sit right with me and my family’s values, what everyone else is doing becomes irrelevant. I don’t need to mimic others’ schedules or approaches because I know what works for us, so I don’t need to be concerned with what everyone else is doing or seek validation from others.
3. I set my own benchmark for success that has nothing to do with social media’s unrealistic standards.
For me, success is investing in self-care daily, having happy kids with full bellies who feel safe and loved, having time for my creative pursuits. As long as I’m meeting those personal goals, I’m succeeding.
4. I support other women unconditionally.
I don’t judge someone’s choices to work or stay home, to follow particular parenting approaches, or to live their life differently than I do. We’re all just doing our best. I make an effort to champion other women knowing that all women in their efforts want to do their best.
5. I am true to who I am.
Trying to keep up with what I see online is exhausting and fruitless. By society’s standards, I’ll never be enough. But by embracing my unique self, my strengths and my path, I can live freely and boldly. I set my own standards to strive towards.
“I want them to grow up recognizing their self-worth based on their authentic selves.”
I can’t tell you how liberating it is to be unmoved by what anyone else is doing. When I catch myself drifting over to the comparison culture trap, I actively swerve and get back in my own lane. It’s given me such a profound sense of freedom, confidence and security.
I instill these values in my children too. I want them to grow up recognizing their self-worth based on their authentic selves – their qualities, achievements and happiness. Not based on society’s checklists or others’ curated depictions. I try and instill the same values into my children. I want them to grow up in a world where they recognize their value based on their self-esteem, happiness, achievements and not from the validation of others.
So, I’ll continue embracing all that I am today rather than wasting energy on comparison. My unique journey inspires, motivates and sparks my creativity. I set my own benchmarks for success, entirely separate from the illusion on social media.
Don’t just survive, thrive on your authentic path. When it comes to comparison culture, I’ve learned the hard way that the answer is simple: don’t take a seat at that toxic table.
About the Author
Name: Emma Lewis
Professional title: Motivational Speaker and Writer
Bio: Emma Lewis is a regular contributor at Women Thrive, is a busy mother of 7 children under 12 and a voluntary motivational speaker. She encourages women to reject the negative depiction of motherhood being fed to women daily on social media and aims to inspire women to live life on their own terms and be authentically themselves.
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